Yep…another divorce blog. Jeez. Do we really need another one of these on the internet?
These were my initial thoughts when I decided to begin Life With Divorce. But then, slowly, I realized I’m going through it personally. I have a unique perspective. I can help people. Share wisdom. Personal struggles. Provide hope. And…I love to write. So why not?
But do I really have the qualifications? As I pondered more, I quickly realized something else very important. I survived it. Sure, I may still be licking a few wounds, but I battled through the experience and now I am all the better for it. I’m actually thriving. Surely my experience will help someone.
During the early days of feeling like I was in a dense fog of confusion, betrayal, and shock, I waded through quite a few internet sites looking for advice. I found some great guidance and awesome survival stories. And some not so great survival stories. Those are the people I hope the wisdom and courage I learned through my experience will ultimately reach. I also hope my unique perspective will help others avoid the mistakes I did. Finally, I hope all the personal reflection time I’ve had since my separation will inspire others to consciously grow as I know I have. So yeah…I decided to hit the publish button.
My Personal Story
It wasn’t until my third year of college that I met the person who I would one day marry. Neither of us were perfect. We had our issues. But I always thought we were on pretty solid ground, especially after settling down with our careers, a beautiful lake house, and two children. We were together for a total of seventeen years, and married over thirteen of those years before the bombshell was dropped: my wife said she wanted out. I always thought we could weather the storm. In my mind, marriage was for life. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. It was something that was ingrained in me when I was young. At the time, I didn’t feel the need to go anywhere else and was quite content just staying married, even after a myriad of issues and arguments. Mature couples could eventually always work those issues out, right? Divorce was for…well, those other people. Right? Wrong. I wasn’t really happy, even though I thought I was.
In the beginning, I was devastated with our breakup. Almost a year before, I agreed to sell our beautiful lake house on Kerr Lake to move to the Raleigh Durham area so my ex could pursue a teaching career in Chapel Hill. We bought a brand new house in Durham and I was committed to starting over. Suffice to say, I heard those devastating words, “I want out of this marriage,” after about eight months of living in our new neighborhood. The kids were settled in and it seemed we would survive. Nowhere near perfect, but at least survivable. I won’t share all the details as to why, because we both made some mistakes. But I was positive we could work it out. I did some begging and groveling. I also lashed out and was angry, which led to many arguments. Mostly I started drinking heavily to cover all up my emotions, because I knew at this point that she was serious and that my life was about to change dramatically. The seriousness really set in when she went to see a lawyer and began investing time into a new relationship.
I felt abandoned. In my own little world, I couldn’t believe that the person I had two children with and started a life over with in a new location could do this to me. I had always been faithful. Overall I thought I was a very committed partner. I was a good person. So why this was happening to ME.
Looking back, it would be pointless to play the blame game for our breakup. And I’m not going to go into the details for the sake of protecting everyone’s reputation. But my point is, I very quickly had to learn that love does not always conqueror all. We were both different people, with very different values, opinions, and desires. Sure, we shared a lot of the same important values when it can to children and work, etc., but emotionally and mentally, we were on two separate planes of existence.
At the time of writing this “about me” page, it has been nine months since separation papers were signed. In North Carolina you have to be separated (living at separate addresses) for a year before a divorce can be finalized. But I am very content with the way things have turned out, and would never look back. While I wish my ex the best and want to see her thrive in life, recent conversations made it clear to both of us that we will never reconcile because we both feel we are in better places. Honestly, nine months ago I could have never imagined I would feel this way. But when I finally decided to accept my situation, realize my mistakes, forgive, and move on, some amazing things began to happen.
I will show you that no matter how you may feel now, you can thrive without your former spouse / partner at any time that you wish. It’s up to you. One thing is certain: while you may think your life is over, it can easily be just the beginning. Trust me on that one. It’s about a perspective change. Over the years I’ll be sharing that perspective. While this blog seems to primarily focus on divorce, on a larger scale it is really about personal development after divorce and advice on everything from dating again, finances, what good relationships are built on, and conscious growth.
Other Personal Info:
I currently teach 3rd grade ELA. I am a father of two, an outdoor enthusiast, a writer, a bass fisherman, and maybe a little bit of a beach bum at heart – I always reminisce my teenage and college years by surfing with friends when I get back to Va. Beach to visit family. 🙂
Now I spend most of my free time writing, reading, and bass fishing on Falls and Kerr Lake, and finally, yes finally, exploring a new committed relationship with a great woman.
I plan on running this website, Life with Divorce, for the long run. If you’ve been through anything that closely resembles what I have (like millions of others in the world), I hope you that you’ll greatly benefit from this site and the things I will share that I’ve learned along the way.
It is my hope that this site will share with you that separation and divorce doesn’t have to be the end, but a great new beginning. Always feel free to comment and share your thoughts, especially if the articles on this site have helped you.
And don’t forget, if you wish to sign up for free blog updates, simply check the box, “Notify me of new posts by email” at the end of every blog article. Cheers.